PENDULUM SWINGS & HEARTSTRINGS

/ Meghna G

CONNECTED BY AKSHAY THIS NOVEMBER

This time of year is the long festive season. Dusshera and Deepavali have gone past and soon it will be Christmas and the New Year. In our home, after Naina spent a happy hour with brush and paints to make our diyas ‘look beautiful’, I did light them. Giving in to instinct, I also placed a fragrant candle in memory of all our heroes who had also fought for victory of good over evil. As I sat and watched the flame, the glow on the faces of three bravehearts in our living room seemed beautifully eternal.  Maybe my state of mind is also influenced by the Sacred Journey I was blessed to undertake.

 

 

 

It has been three months since I wrote on my blog and many of you have been reminding me and encouraging me to post.  I am grateful but at the same time, also left wondering. What new do I have to reach out to you all with? Anything I haven’t already said before? I then remind myself that even when I first started writing, just days after Akshay, I had no idea what I was going to say. In between I probably did find my way but now, once again, a little lost, yet wanting to reach out. With Naina sleeping beside me, looking so much like her papa once did, I forget about my spiritual peace for now. All I feel is this strong urge to just hold this little one in my arms and weep.

Instead, I pull myself out of bed and go sit in front of Akshay’s smiling picture. Yesterday was Children’s Day and as an excited Naina was telling her avva and tata about what a ‘fun day’ it was at school, I found myself thinking of Akshay and all his star brothers who were once little kids. On one of our many trips to Delhi in the last one month, it was because of Vikas and Hutansh that I had the honour of spending time with many families of our brave-hearts. Every home we went to has that special ‘aura’ and the loving warmth that surrounded us has to be experienced to be believed. The picture of Capt Anuj Nayyar as a little boy melts your heart even as Mrs Nayyar’s smiling and strong presence reflects pride in her son, one among the Maha Veers in the battle for Drass in Kargil.  The beautifully written letters by Capt. Udai Singh speak volumes about a hero’s commitment to duty against all odds and are framed in glass sheets in the home of Sudha Ji and Col KK Singh. In Maj. Mohit Sharma’s parents’ home, his smiling pictures and the many stories of humour and bravery from his mother, brother and bhabhi make you feel you also know the charming and spirited hero. When father of Capt Devender Jass recounts how he never gave up on his dream to wear the uniform for his country despite completing his Engineering and MBA and on the threshold of a bright corporate career, you know his life had that ‘special purpose’. The passion and effort to earn the uniform and serve the nation runs through like a common thread in all the stories that are shared. I did manage to get a few childhood pictures of our heroes and to me, each of the little ones seem almost exactly like Akshay. Do see and decide for yourself.

 

 

 

As an older mother, I am also getting so much strength from younger women. Brave wives who lost a beloved to the nation. Beena, wife of legendary Commanding Officer Col Jojan Thomas who led his men to counter terrorists and gave it his all, is a young grandmother today.  Her ‘never give up on fighting for what is right’ motivates me to walk a difficult path. Sarika’s grief speaks of her tremendous love and longing for her childhood friend who later became her husband. Lt. Col Rajesh Gulati was martyred in a helicopter crash while on a mission. Her determination has ensured his name is etched wherever he studied and served, never to be forgotten. Capt Riya and Capt Shalini Singh donned the uniform themselves after their brave husbands sacrificed their lives fighting and protecting our country. Now working in civvy street, their courage and sense of loyalty to the motherland remains as strong as ever.  While they all have worked very hard to change the course of their own dreams, as young mothers, each one of them is doing a tremendous job raising patriotic daughters and sons. God bless them and all other single parents sailing in the same boat.

Mrs Prema Iyer, (who insists everyone call her ‘Nani’) and her daughter Padma are an inspiring mother daughter duo. Padma wasn’t even born when Nani lost Flt Lt. Iyer in an accident over 50 years ago. Yet, she courageously brought up her child who today is the most wonderful IAS Officer I have had the honour to meet. Nani continues to serve and give strength to families of martyrs with her experience in grief counselling and motivational workshops. Meet her to realise how age is just a number. And when you spend time with a soldier like Maj D P Singh who oozes joy and confidence despite losing a leg in war, a socially concerned  Shorya Veer like Maj Rakesh Sharma and an extremely well-read and feisty Maj Gen G D Bakshi, it reinforces the belief that a good soldier is one who always walks the right path and puts ‘Nation First’.

 

 

 

As the month-end draws nearer, my heart is sinking. Every sunset since that fateful day of 29th November 2016 has reinforced the truth that our lives have changed forever and we will never be the same again. Yet, each new day the sun rises. Without Akshay. The rays of light though, no longer seem as bright as they once used to be.  Not since that pre-dawn attack in Nagrota and almost two years since. NIA Reports have now confirmed that the plot to cause very heavy damage to the 16 Corps HQ was planned in Pakistan and Jaish e Mohammed terrorists infiltrated from across the border to enter the camp with local handlers. Three arrests of locals have since been made. The fact that the terrorists came in to cause maximum possible deaths and destruction is supported by how heavily armed they were with huge cache of recovered ammunition including rockets, under barrel grenade launchers and magazines for their AK 47s. That they were on drugs to last a long fight is also true. Yes, there were security lapses and they entered easily by scaling a wall and killed three sleeping soldiers and one guard. As the camp woke up to gun and grenade fire, the terrorists had occupied two blocks of residential quarters of families, and 16 unarmed women, children and men found themselves trapped in a hostage situation.

It was the swift and effective counter terrorist response led by Akshay and his team from 51 Engineer Regiment that not only saved a major tragedy but also embarrassment to the army and country. As families of the brave soldiers who did not care about their own safety and fought every step till they made the supreme sacrifice, we shall forever be proud of Kunal, Akshay and Chittaranjan. While we have since visited Naik Chittaranjan’s home in Tripura, a visit to Kunal’s parents home and Uma and Umang’s after that terrible day in Nagrota is yet to materialize. I promise myself a visit to Padharpur and Pune soon.

 

 

 

 

I reflect on how my raja beta was born to celebrate bonding and it does seem like he is making sure we continue to expand and strengthen our social circle. The weeks and months have been full of happenings. Bonding has been the central theme and with travel, it has enveloped us in all of life’s contrasting situations that have unfolded almost simultaneously.  Happily-noisy weddings, joyous new births and tragic young deaths.  While Girish, Sangeeta, Neha, Pradish and I have been packing and unpacking bags and attending events, Akshay, the one who thrived on being among people is nowhere around. At the same time, his presence seems to be everywhere. Just out of sight but always near. The same smiling, comforting, encouraging but unseen presence. Part of mind conversations. Smiling at the fun. Encouraging and motivating during our lows. Always steadily twinkling till we regain confidence. On one of our sudden travels to Delhi for an important meeting connected to due recognition and honour for Akshay’s courage and sacrifice to save lives, Sangeeta and I were zapped. The Commander of the flight introduced himself as ‘Capt Akshay’. And the next day, just as the taxi arrived to take us to the airport for our return, the TV news channel started flashing ‘Voice of Akshay’! Never before have I been flown by a Capt Akshay in the last 20 years and neither have we earlier known or noticed a reporter called Akshay. Maybe Mitali and Preeti will help me figure out what exactly these feelings or ‘signs’ are?

I have stopped trying to analyse these happenings and instead feel happy when something seems to be connected to Akshay. He came to us smiling and continues to teach us to love people and be loved in return. Valuing and strengthening relationships came to him so instinctively and so perfectly. Akshay was the perfect ‘intuitive counsellor’ who could make the most ‘down in the dumps’ person cheer up with his words. Many of his friends have come home and narrated incidents or sent messages to tell us how he was there for them in their most difficult times. I was scanning through old messages on my phone and I found this treasure from Akshay to me. His words of comfort when I was unwell years ago seem to make just as much impact to elevate my low spirits even today.

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Before I get carried away in an emotional sea, a quick update. The Major Akshay Girish Memorial Trust has a busy month ahead. An orientation workshop on ‘Careers in Uniformed Services’ is planned on 28th November for students of Jain University.  This time, we will also be opening up Scholarships and Achievement awards to deserving students. In addition, the Trust will commence its year-long pilot initiative on communication, information and fitness with 9th class students of a government school in Bengaluru rural. As before, we are supported by Akshay’s friends and many who believe in contributing to a patriotic cause. We hope to keep learning as we go along, even as we try and take forward Akshay’s legacy of courage and service to the nation.

 

 

 

In the past few months I have also taken to twitter to be abreast of things happening around us and also to connect with people on an interactive platform. While it is an educative experience on how diverse thought, opinions and even specific agendas influence others, I hope to stay and contribute to positivity and nation building. It is also natural for me to be drawn to issues related to our soldiers. Honour for a soldier is everything and many times, the nation fails its soldiers. To learn that soldiers disabled doing their duty are sometimes denied due pensionary benefits, due to poor policy or paperwork is heartbreaking. While we now know that the much-delayed National Military Memorial in Delhi is taking shape, many other promises are yet to be fulfilled. In Akshay’s case, while we have been going between anguish and hope many times in the last 15 months for due recognition and honour from the nation, at the state level, the promised road naming in recognition of his bravery still remains on paper. As his second martyrdom day is just two weeks from today, I wonder if authorities will expedite what they have promised. Many people support us and motivate us to never give up on the efforts for due recognition and we are deeply grateful to all.

As I come to the end of this post, I recall a conversation with Capt Devinder Singh Jass’s sister. Sharing precious moments spent with her younger sibling, she told us how they had stayed awake chatting the entire night after his Passing out Parade in IMA. A day when he finally achieved his dream of wearing the uniform for his country after multiple efforts and his ‘never give up’ attitude.  His favorite movie was ‘Courage Under Fire’ and for those who have seen it, it tells us the true story of a US officer (played by Meg Ryan) who’s courage or the lack of it in battle is being investigated by another officer (played by Denzil Washington). Through different conflicting narratives, what really happened in the field finally establishes the character of the lady officer and what she stood for. Courage under fire against all odds. Devinder, his sister says, was clear that under the most testing times, what a soldier feels within decides what he is willing to do for the nation and for others. And it is that self-esteem which is more valuable than any external recognition.  While decision makers may err or even withhold due honour, a soldier under fire will always know what he did or did not do when duty and nation needed him.

Why I am telling you about this conversation is because when we found Akshay’s Dairy, he had penned in it a poem that echoes exactly what Devinder had expressed. He wrote poetry straight from the heart and I wonder where those thoughts came from, because we rarely saw that introspective side in his exuberant personality. Yet, Akshay didn’t share his most profound poems with any of us. Now, I am sharing this one with all of you because it needs to be read and responded to. We hope you will reflect on it and also share your own feelings.

LEGENDS

Can you lay your life down

So a stranger can live

Can you take what you need

And take less than you give…

Could you go everyday

Without the glory and fame

Could you hold your head high

When no one knows your name

That’s how Legends are made…

 

Can you lose everything

You ever had planned

Can you sit down again

And play another hand

Can you drop everything

When you know you are alone

Still have strength to find that grace…

When you come undone

That’s how Legends are made…

 

Can you move through darkness

And not once look back

Can you still hold someone’s hand

When you are in pain

Can you do all this

And return charming chivalrous and welcoming

To a place where it’s not your name

But those you saved

Then go back again to what you do best….

Then Gentleman……you are a Legend

                                                          – Akshay Girish

Akshay, how did you know you too would one day join the exalted League of Legends in our eyes? Blessed to have you as son, guru and eternal strength till I am here on earth.

With gratitude and respect for all our Legendary Soldiers, past, present and future, I wish you all Merry Christmas and a Very Happy 2019 in advance. May you all always stay blessed and smiling.

Please join us in paying tributes to all the Nagrota martyrs on 29th November.

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Thank you once again for being part of our difficult journey. Love and take care.

Meghna Girish

 

50 thoughts on “PENDULUM SWINGS & HEARTSTRINGS”

  2. As always Meghna so beautifully penned. Many a times such thoughts do run through my mind but can’t think of a better way to put it forth than you have done. Akshay’s poem is very touching and seems like he had some premonition of what was to happen. He is always in our thoughts as are you all. We shall pray for his soul and for you all and all the other martyrs on 29th Nov. Wherever he is Meghna your young boy is your guardian angel. God bless!!

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    • You are so right Gayatri. So many questions and a poem like this makes me wonder how he could pen such lines. No answers really. Maybe some have an idea of their life purpose better than others? Thank you for your thoughtful words. Love. God bless

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  3. This time my eyes always go back to the poem by Major Akshay. It is so deep that I can’t focus on your writing. It seems he had penned his own heroism in limited number of lines and the emotions he had gone through in process of saving lives. We are grateful forever to your son is all I can say now. More strength to you all. Take care aunty

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    • He does seem to have known something was in store …..why else would he have penned such lines…in a few other poems too. Like the one he seems to have written for us in ‘If you miss me…’ Thank you Soundarya. You take care too. Love and God bless

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  4. Dear Meghna tai,
    I read all your posts and read them again. I want to say something that might ease your pain just a little bit. But words fail me and I realize sadly, that these would be mere words. You are a brave mother, you are all brave people. You are all heroes like brother Akshay. I wish you peace and pray you continue to feel his presence. Thank you, for so generously sharing brother Akshay’s memories with us. You are doing an incredible job!
    Kavs

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    • Thank you so much for sharing our pride in Akshay. Touched by the concern for our pain. Glad you read my posts. All best wishes and love to you. God bless your family.

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  5. Thank you Aunty, for continuing to share your journey with us. Through you, Akshay’s positive impact on our lives continues on a more profound level after Nagrota. Feel refreshed and inspired reading his poetic words written with so much depth and authenticity. Thank you once again.

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    • His poetry truly stuns me…every time I read….wonder where those thoughts came from? Thank you Sudeep for continuing to be part of our journey. Connected through Akshay. Stay blessed.

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  6. Thank u Aunty for sharing Brother Akshay’s poetry . It’s very touching . He is always in our thoughts as are you all . We will pray for his soul & for u all . Love u all . Take care Aunty .

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  7. Aunty today Bikram turned 11 months old with many emotions & thoughts I kept my self quiet & felt the urge to write to you ,whenever in this last two year I felt like sitting quietly I went through your blogs, your replies & found my comfort ,my answers, many assurances in them.There has been many mystical replies & thoughts in this two year old journey.The poem dedicated to the unknown soldier felt to close to the heart.really indebted to the families of the saheeds ,hamara koti koti pranam unko.sending u a warm hug & lots of love to dear many.tkcr God bless.please stay in touch through your write-ups.

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    • OMG, almost a year already…..God bless Bikram and your family. Sure you will always have our soldiers in your thoughts and prayers. Love and take care.

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  9. Dear aunty,
    Thank you for writing and sharing your experience and also other unsung heroes. Major Akhsay’s poem is very inspiring with great depth and authenticity. Brings in a lot of positivity. Sending you love and prayers to you and everyone at home and to the families of other martyrs of Nagrota attack. Remembering you all with love, gratitude and respect.
    -Amritha

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  10. Dear aunty,
    Love the caption of your blog ‘Pendulum swings and heart strings’ .. this holds much deeper meaning than what it seems just like Maj Akshay’s words and writings.
    The heart is overwhelmed after reading your blog and the way you are reaching out to others who have also been through the same as you. This community support is really helpful and also therapeutic to some extent. No matter how much anyone else says that they feel what you feel, it is only actually the community that does!
    Maj Akshay has been in my thoughts too ever since I turned the calendar page to November. May God give you all the strength. Although I am sure Maj Akshay will hold each one of yours hand and take you to the other side himself.
    It is also always amazing to see that how you all have always stood together as a family. As parents, if I could achieve half the level of parenting that you have given to your children, I would consider myself to be a good parent.
    Looking forward to meeting you sometime soon. Do let me know when you come to Delhi NCR next.
    Lots of love
    Ruchi

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  11. Hi Chinni Aunty,

    Just wanted you to know that I read this post and was moved. You, Neha, and Girish uncle are in my thoughts.
    Akshay continues to inspire me and many others (I’m sure!) through our daily lives.

    We think of many things we want to become: Rich, happy, content etc. but Akshay had his goal: to be a legend. Even his thoughts of being a legend are very altruistic and focus on a giving nature – I don’t think we can say that about many “so called legends” that are out there today.

    Legend now has a new meaning, and it comes from the emotion of Akshay’s poem.

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  12. Aunty…..first of all a warm hug to you!!! In these two years we saw so many lows and highs….the entire crowd of Nagrota changed…life has actually changed or rather my perspective towards life has changed. We keep planning for our future whereas we don’t even know what’s going to happen the next moment. But you inspire me each day…… It’s not easy aunty….I know….to vent out your pent up feelings by writing such a beautiful writeup. You touch so many chords. Akshay was meant to be a legend cause he was born out of you and uncle…legends in deeds and thoughts and gestures. His poem reflects that he knew his purpose of life……my admiration for him grows more with each passing day…..whenever he came home…he would just tell stories about you all, his home….all I knew then was that his mom was an awesome blogger… didn’t know one day I would be reading your blogs like this. He loved you all so much….i always told kartik….he has such a beautiful family….he can never leave you all…..he is there….just there……More power to you aunty and my prayers….Akshay will definitely get the due recognition…he so truly deserves. My regards to uncle and lots of love to Sangeeta and Naina. Love you aunty (I am sorry to take this liberty) .

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  13. Glad your are back aunty ..was waiting for it….i know november brings you pride and pain forever…
    i wish god grants you all the strength
    and health for the noble cause your are fighting for…..i am sure the major akshay trust can produce many soldiers like major akshay and you will never feel alone…

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  14. When this tragic incident happened my dad too was posted at Nagrota. I remember waking up to get ready for my school, My dad said ‘So jaao,aaj school nahi hai ‘.and then I heard a loud explosion and I knew something was very wrong. My parents tried to comfort me ,but in vain. All day long we could hear the sounds of the bullets and grenades,and drones hovering here and there .Nagrota was just everywhere, from newspapers to national news.
    We ,in school dedicated our assembly to the matyrs’and their families and I remember seeing tears in many eyes
    Today is the second anniversary of the Nagrota encounter and all I can say is that the day is still afresh in my memory ,My heart still mourns every time we pass by that gate.

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    • Glad you are all safe. It could have been a bigger tragedy but for the bravery and sacrifice of soldiers who gave their all. The QRT was led by Akshay and he never ever gave up or moved away from doing his duty. At any cost. He did sacrifice hs life but many others were saved. May you and your family always stay blessed.

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  17. Dear Ma’am,

    I had been waiting to read this blog for so many days, and finally read it today…. So beautifully written! Went through so many emotions… But at the end, the poem just shook me! Such an intense human being Major Akshay was; such maturity, such profound thoughts! I strongly feel that, so many of his words and actions vindicate that he was truly a Divine child, God sent for a purpose! He never stops to amaze me ma’am! Such a proud mother you must be!
    I feel guilty that I dont have much else to write to comfort you, but your whole family are in my thoughts and prayers very often! My pranams to you and Girish Sir, my love and regards to Sangeetha, Naina and Neha.
    May we all continue to be inspired by you and your writing! May all your efforts get the rewards / results that they truly deserve! Jai Hind!

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    • Touched by your thoughtful comments on Akshay and love for our children Gowri. Thank you for reading and responding. Jai Hind. God bless

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  18. Beautiful. I couldn’t keep the tears away. Akshay will always live on ma’am. His poetry blew me away. Salute to him and all those ( family included) who selflessly do their duty towards us, the people of this ancient motherland.

    Jai Hind!

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  20. Read this blog and couldn’t stop thinking about that day.
    When the attack happened, my dad too was posted at Nagrota. That morning I woke up as usual and started getting ready for school,my dad came to my room and said, ‘aaj school nahi hai ‘and then I heard a bullet shot and instantly knew something was wrong. We switched on the TV and a place of which most of the people had not heard of was all over the news, Nagrota. Thogh we could not see it,We could hear it,We could feel it.School was closed for 2 days and when it opened it was never the same again.We conducted a morning assembly to honour the martyrs and when it ended the number of eyes shedding tears could not be counted.I quote from a poem recited that day”the flowers wilted on seeing the rain of pain,the birds stopped singing in disdain ”
    More than 2 years have passed by that tragic day but the bullet shots still echo in my ears and my heart bleeds every time I think about that day, the day which shook my life, changed me as an individual,made me more thankful.

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    • Thank you for sharing what it felt like beta. God bless you. May the year ahead be full of smiles and may all your experiences with your family and friends be happy. Stay blessed.

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  21. we people of india are indebted to akshay along with entire army and army family members for the sacrifices you people have made so that we can live peacefully in this country..i have read so many blogs and poems but akshay’s thoughts that reflect in his poems have always left me speechless..it has always made me think of how profound his thoughts were..his thoughts clearly reveal mind of patriot and a leader

    From this battle he learnt
    The toughest battle was within
    He conquered when the world never saw
    He needn’t be seen
    For he had achieved
    The screaming pride of his heart within

    the above lines will continue to inspire me in my dull moments..

    madam,how are you? how you are able to carry akshay’s dream forward and what difficulties you are facing in the quest to achieve his dream..pls let us know so that we can help in every way possible..
    don’t you think that army family members should be given an official platform so that they voice their opinion..there are many voices in kashmir which are pro terrorist..but there isn’t one mouth piece where army family members can voice their opinion not only in india but also internationally..global news platform will have an official answer from this mouth piece and will have a clear picture of how pro terrorist voices are misguiding people in other countries about kashmir’s real situation..becoz..as of now only so called liberal journos talk on international platform and many of them are pro separatists..there is no official platform in this country to counter them..this tool might also mount pressure on international peace keeping organizations so that they can trace these terror orgs in pak and neutralize them..what are your thoughts on this?.. pls share

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    • Thank you for sharing your very patriotic and pro-soldier ideas. Am also touched that Akshay’s profound thoughts and words that inspire you in your difficult moments too. Do agree that fauji families can contribute a lot towards uniting Indians and voicing realities that our soldiers deal with so bravely. How to have that voice is a question I really do not have an answer to.

      We as part of the Major Akshay Girish Memorial Trust work to promote nationalism and service to the nation among students in colleges and high school. While service to the nation can be in any field, our focus is on motivating and providing information to youth to try for selection into the uniformed services. We are currently working in few institutions in Bengaluru.

      Best wishes to you and a happy new year to your family. Jai Hind.

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  22. Dear Meghna…. I came across this after a link was shared today in our school alumni group….. “Civilians first, his unit second, himself last’: Nagrota attack hero Major Akshay Girish’s mother Meghna Girish tells the story of how her son would never back off from saving lives”
    My senior who shared it, and who was also my brother’s classmate mentioned that the dear Major’s mother was from our school, batch of 77.
    I confirmed with Arun Gupta that you were indeed my senior in school by 2 years.
    Looked up the net and reached here. I started reading from this and haven’t been able to read more… Cos my eyes are blurred with tears. And also immense respect for the entire family.
    I will read each article you’ve posted…
    Right now, am not able to articulate properly, but had to reach out to you, hug you and salute your family.
    Find myself reading Maj Akshay’s poetry again and again. Want to share it in our school group, but will wait for your permission.
    As I end this note , I feel so helpless and sad that I’ve not done anything for our nation. I wish each one of us could do something to wipe out the monster of terror from across the border.
    {{{{{{ Hugs}}}}}}
    Sujatha

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    • Thank you very very much for reaching out Sujatha. Touched by your kindness, shared pride in Akshay and concern for our nation. Good to know we studied in the same school- thanks to Arun Gupta. Look forward to meeting sometime in the near future. Love and hugs. Meghna

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  23. Hi Aunty ,
    Thank u, for continuing to share your journey with us. Feel refreshed and inspired by reading the- poetic words written with so much depth by brother Akshay . Thank you once again. My love & regards to u all .

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  24. Dear Meghna tai, hope you are all doing well. It’s been a while since your blog update. Just wanted to say hi. Hope little Naina is enjoying her summer 🙂

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